Story
On the continent of Uniden, there is a kingdom to the north ruled by the evil tyrant named King Rennoc II. King Rennoc II is slowly trying to take over the lesser kingdoms to the East, West, and South. To the East, the kingdom is called Ibara. To the West is Uniden. to the South is Karkara. And to the North is Canifus. To the East, there lives lives a young boy. His parents executed by King Rennoc II's men, for not mining enough glaze, a light blue stone. This young boy's name was Faane Hirakanu. He vowed to kill Rennoc II. He was trained by the kingdoms Elite Gaurd. The most trained soliders in all of Uniden. After 10 years of extensive training, Faane became one of the best soliders. He soon quit the Gaurd. Faane than gathered up his most trusted friends, and told them his plan of forming a group of rebels. His friends agreed, they were all trained in the Gaurd too. Now it is your destiny, to join up and fight King Rennoc II with the Rebels, or join the fight to rule all of Uniden under King Rennoc II's rule.
how should i change it? I am not really a good story maker person and this is my first one. Please be a critic. Say good or bad.
Thanks
Its a start
You have a rather grand idea there - multiple kingdoms at war, revenge, and so forth. Plenty of room to expand and embellish.
My main concern is that the idea is just this side of archtypical. A young man training and then going on a quest against the former authority is just about perfect Joesph Campbel Hero's Journey fodder. Not that this is a bad thing, just that its been done before - for the past 3000+ years!
What kind of RPG are you trying to make? This site is dedicated to the pencil and paper/table top kind (such as Dungeons and Dragons) - not the type played with computers.
If you're thinking of a console game where the player is Faane, its acceptable - but you're at the wrong site.
However, if this is a background for a storytelling game, then setting up one star character that moves the great events leaves little place for actual players.
There is a fine line between hobby and obsession. I seem to have lost sight of it some time ago.