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RPG Laboratory

This is a story that I'm writing.

(If you want to hear more of it then WBASAP)

The Oceans' Currents

She grasped the heart necklace, dangeling just inches from her face. Holding it in a possesive way. Tears spilling from her blue eyes, cascading to the sandy floor. Tiny droplets of red liquid slid down a fresh cut on her cheek where his clawed fingers had sliced. It was just one cut, but it was a deep one. She gently, but clumselly undid the gold clasp that held the jewelery together, pulling it around her neck, but just as she almost got it on, two strong hands were opon hers, causing her to freeze up. She couldn't move. His right hand went to the side of her face that wasn't wounded, slowly tracing lines on her soft skin. She could smell her dried metalic blood under his sharp nails.
All of a sudden, out of know where, he roughly grabbed her face with his hands, almost breaking her jaw in the process. She let out a cry from pain, which gave him total access to her lushious lips. The kiss was bruising and very painful, his sharp pointed fangs bit on her bottom lip. She could taste her own blood in her mouth, he was so discusting, she wanted to get the heck away from this monster, and now. She tried to pull away from him but he was way too strong, she couldn't even make him budge, not even a little.
Just as soon as it happened, his bloody lips left hers. But now his mouth was locked on her neck, but he didn't puncture the flesh. Panic soon replaced the pain that he gave her. His sharp canine teeth barley touched the flesh of her tender neck, and tears imeaditly spilled from her ocean eyes, falling onto his neck. This reaction caused him to pull from her quickly,which confused himself and the maiden before him. She thought that he was going to kill her, but he didn't. Insted he brought his hand to her face just like before, but this time he just stared into her deep blue eyes. Having someone like that look at her caused a slight blush to creep it's way up to her cheeks, he saw this, and grinned. Surprizingly it was a very handsome smile. *Why am I thinking of that monster in this way?* She asked herself.
"Because...." He gently kissed her cheek. "You want me." And now she was red all over. She tried to swallow the big lump that had built it's way up in her throat, making her choke. His hands were still holding her face tenderly. "How ....how....how did you...know what I was thinking?" She panicked. He chuckled; that question was so very obvious that it made him laugh. He whipped a stray tear from his eye, and looked at her. "Vampire, Love"He whispered into her ear, sending small exciting tremors throughout her body. She didn't know why he made her feel the way she was feeling. She was afraid, but at the same time she couldn't help but admit that she did indeed want him.
"I'm sorry......" The 'monster' whispered while turning his shadowed face to the sandy floor. A pinkish red crab slowly inched it's way past the two. It's destination: The salty, Oceans' waves. The Ocean suddenly, rippled into a roaring crash right ontop of the two. He pulled her closely into his chest protectively, sheilding her face from the Oceans' strong currents. When the currents finally subsided, he was still holding her, he didn't want to let her go. It was like he was never going to see her again.....
She took his face in her hands and gently made him look at her. She brushed a stray black hair from his red mahogany eyes. His expression was blank, his eyes were locked on her eyes. She saw something in his eyes.....it wasn't like before......not like when he forced her to kiss him......not like when he tried to kill her. No....it was different......it was PAIN. The look in his eyes was just so sad and wanting. She felt kind of sorry for him. A tear ran down her face, landing in the corner of his mouth. He licked it away.
"Why are you crying?" His hands whipped the salty water from her eyes.
"It's too complicated......." She sighed.
"Too complicated?" He chuckled.
"Nothing's TOO complicated." He looked at her seriously. She didn't want to tell him.....at least not yet....so she lied.
"Well.....um......" but right before she could think up a good lie he kisses her. This time it's passionate. She wasn't expecting such a kiss. She closed her eyes, enjoying every minute of it. His hands tangled through her auburn hair, making her open her mouth. He smiled while sliping his tounge into her mouth,deepening the kiss. Then, just when the kiss was getting good, he pulled away.
"Why?" She asked out of breath, and very confused. He didn't answer, he just let go of her, and got up from the sandy floor, walking away from her. As he was walking he slightly turned his face to have one final look at her beautiful form. Then he turned back around, and when he did that he disapeared into the wind, like the sand with the Oceans' currents.
To Be Continued??????????

Good Rough Draft,Great Way to Start a Game Idea!

If you want to design a game, fiction writing in the world or genre you are trying to create in is a great way to start and it can add a lot more depth to your final product than any other gimmick or dice mechanic.

I would really like to encourage you and to see you develop your story.Hopefully we will get to see what kind of game you might make from it too!In any case, It is really good to see you start off your work here with a story.

My advice is don't worry too much about grammar and spelling at first. (although it will help readability)My theory is you should finish your story writing first and then polish your piece once you have it all written out.

Btw, I am sorry I didn't respond to any of your tags to me before,I admit wasn't so sure of you at first.But,now I am glad to "meet" a new aspiring fiction writer and game designer.

-John Lennon

Thanks!

(>/\ . /\)>
I'm glad you like my work! I'm mostlikely going to write more of it soon. I'm glad that you finnaly read my stuff an d liked it too! I appreciate you writting.

-wakathis

A rough diamond

Premise wise, this is a very good story. Simultaneously fearing and loving a vampire is a fairly traditional trope, and a powerful one. Is this just a piece you've been working on, or something for your anime game? (Vampire Hunter D and Helsing come to mind as sharing this type of concept.) Little details like the necklace, and the pause to see the crab scuttling

Unfortunately, your style leaves something to be desired. Its quite repetitive for one. In the first two paragraphs alone, 6 sentences begin with "she". Varying the structure of the lines, as well as vocabulary are integral to the readability and enjoyment factor of a piece. I would also argue that its a little "heavy-handed" and comes off like a segment of a Danielle Steel Novel, and the pacing is a bit irregular.

Line breaks would also help, but that's a formatting issue.

A good commendable effort overall. I would like to see more of the world and characters introduced by the piece.

There is a fine line between hobby and obsession. I seem to have lost sight of it some time ago.

oh......also...

(>/\ . /\)> Yes this is a new story that I've been worknig on, but then it came to me out of nowhere.....this could be a cool game! And soooooooo yes I can really picture it all in my mind now.
-wakathis

yeay someone finally read it!

(>/\ . /\)> Thank you for your constuctive critisim(Sp?)
I really appriciate your comments! Whenever I read my comments your always the first one thats commented! And thats really nice! I'm deffinatly(Sp?)*I'm a very BAD speller and I'm not too good with grammer either.* going to write more of this one! I have alot of other cool ideas in mind, but normally I'm not as discriptive, this one is one of my best stories. At least thats what I think.
Again Thank you!
-wakathis